I know it’s been awhile. What can I say – life is kicking me in the ass again. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve had a few set backs.
I returned to school last August full of optimism, high hopes, and big dreams (rather redundant, eh, what with all of those practically meaning the same thing and all). To be honest, those dreams are still purdy dang big. I finished the first (fall) semester with straight A’s and a better understanding of what it is I will need to do to get where I want to be eventually. I squeezed in an intersession class over Christmas that just about did me in and started the spring semester with nary a break in learning. I should have taken a break, in retrospect. As it turns out, life can get crazy overwhelming and one MUST remember to take a few minutes to breathe and relax when one can!
So, here comes January with the Spring semester jammed full of classes (18 hours, because I’m a sucker for punishment) and full-time work and parenting and trying to keep my struggling relationship from completely floundering. Also with it came the realization that while I’ve been medication free for some time – it’s just plain ole unrealistic. I’ve got a full plate, y’all. I need all of the help I can get. And I’m not getting any help – at fucking all. I guess it’s time for lil’ Betty to grow up and realize that sometimes you don’t get help and you have to go at it on your own. Ani’s dad lost his job at the same time that I lost my job at corporate-mega-hell; while I found another job within a few months, it’s been nearly two years and he has yet to. Which means he hasn’t paid child support in that entire time. Nor has he helped buy school supplies or clothing or food or….you get the point. He’s become the quintessential dead-beat dad. Huzzah! That makes me so happy! (please say the sarcasm there translated?!)
Where am I at on the shitshow of my life? Overloaded schedule? check. Dead-beat ex-husband? check. Oh yes, floundering relationship. Billiam, bless his heart, has decided that he is going to become a falconeer. The fact that I want to go to graduate school is somehow unrealistic, but being a falconeer isn’t? Bah. I’ll give him this – the boy has some dedication once he sets his mind on a completely selfish goal! How on earth does he think that this will improve his life? And his life DOES need improving. He’s an unhappy fella. He’s ostracized all of his friends and withdrawn completely from society in such a way that it’s a challenge to get him to leave the house to buy milk even. His only interaction with people are his coworkers and that is only if he feels like going to work that day, and Analise and I (and he doesn’t speak to Ani unless he has to). Now, rather than seeking improvement by finding a job that he doesn’t loathe and come home cussing about every day or a different living environment that doesn’t make him unhappy or (perish the notion) improving his relationship – he has decided to start raising hawks/falcons. With his usual obsessive gusto, once reserved for music or heroin, he has thrown himself headfirst into building a muse for his future-hawk, buying and making equipment for his future-hawk, and talking 24/7 about this hawk. I mean, I could say I’m feeling sick or passed a test or going out and he would find a way to link it to hawks.
That is, obviously, not the only reason why I’m unhappy in this relationship. Please read my past 500 posts about lack of interaction and sex in the past five years for a better understanding of the issues he and I have faced. And I’m finally fed up. As of three weeks ago, I threw in the towel and told the boy I’m moving back home to be close to my friends and family.
Which couldn’t possibly come at a worse time. Because there’s MORE. Yes, there’s more! Let’s go on down the list: Overloaded schedule? check. Dead-beat ex-husband? check. Last dying breath of my relationship? check. Crazy amounts of bad luck and stress? Coming right up!
As many of you know, I’ve had issues in the past with my darling twin sister stealing my identity. I believe some of the fraud incidents were my mother, rather than my sister so let’s just chalk it up to shitty family actions, shall we? Anyways, all of the credit cards and utility bills in my name are many years in the past, however the tickets my sister got in my name that caused my license to be suspended a few years ago? Oh that fun keeps on keeping on! In February, I was driving billiam’s truck because BOTH of my headlights in my car were burnt out (which I had been asking billiam to fix for weeks grrr) and I drove home to spend the evening with buddies of mine. While backing out of said buddy’s driveway in this huge Ford f150 truck that I was unaccustomed to driving, I hit a car that had parked directly behind the truck that I had failed to notice. No one’s fault but my own!! The other driver was nowhere to be seen and I had to go door to door knocking to find the owner of the car. I requested that we file an accident report with our insurance companies as there were no injuries, etc involved. She, however, felt that we should call the police, and really I had no reason NOT to get the police involved (besides it getting in the way of my plans). As it turns out, there were good reasons. My sister had received THREE more tickets in my name that I didn’t know about – this is above and beyond the ones that I had already found out about and paid off in ’09. I was carted off to jail AGAIN for something I didn’t do AGAIN. This has been a several month-long ordeal that is STILL not resolved. I’ve been to court four times and have spent hours on the phone trying to contact the officers who issued the tickets so I can contest them. The police officer that arrested me was a total jerkwad (he was!!) and he gave me FIVE tickets for the accident and had the tuck towed. I need to resolve all of my sister’s previous tickets before I can even start to work on the tickets I received that night. My lawyer has been optimistic about it all and thinks that if I can come up with my license in time I will be able to get most of the tickets dropped. Just slap that $500 bill on top of everything else I’ve got goin’ on! No problemo. Please note: that $500 only takes care of my sister’s tickets. That doesn’t touch whatever fines I will finally be assessed when I go to court again next month over my accident again. On top of that? There were issues with billiam’s dad’s insurance (for the truck I was driving) and I was told it was taken care of but I was turned into a collection agency over the cost of fixing the other car’s door ($2500 can you effing believe that?!). That, however, was actually completely resolved as of two days ago. HUZZAH!!!
Okay, where were we? Overloaded schedule? check. Dead-beat ex-husband? check. Last dying breath of my relationship? check. Arrested? check. Unpaid fines? check. Court dates? check. Next up? The IRS! Yes, you heard it right! I was audited by the IRS this year! Why? Because I was randomly selected, apparently. It really was quite amusing as the auditor told me, the first time I spoke to him, that with my assets, “it shouldn’t take him any time at all”. I went into this with no trepidation as I’ve never cheated on my taxes before. They did manage to find an unpaid tax bill for my home state from twelve years ago…when I was 18. It was over $300 with penalties added and I had to pay THAT in April. Are we having fun yet? Audited by the IRS? check!
At this point in the year, I was grousing to a coworker about how I have the shittiest luck of any person I’ve ever met. We’ve started calling it “the law of Betty”, if it can go wrong, it WILL go wrong. “At least I have my health!” I declared with relief.
I did not, as custom dictates, knock on wood after I said that. I should have.
My New Year’s resolution was to be healthier. No specific diet plan or goal – merely going forward with the idea of a healthier lifestyle. For the most part, I’ve been fairly successful at implementing this. We’ve changed our diet pretty drastically – cut out the junk food, started having fish, rice, and veggies for dinner several times a week, no more McDonalds every day *sniff*, no more caffeine, and fruit for breakfast. And I’m ACTUALLY doing all of those things, not just talking about them! Another step that I knew I needed to take was to get a doctor set up here and start getting my yearly exams; you know, since I’ve only been here four years and all…..
Fast forward to March – I’ve seen a doctor, had a pap smear, and get a call that they’ve found “abnormal cells” and think that I need to get a biopsy. I had a disastorous biopsy, wherein the new doctor failed to read my entrance papers that listed “vinegar” as my allergy and she used said allergic substance in my exam. An ambulance was called, an epinephrine shot administered, and I left convinced that anything that painful and uncomfortable had to be completely unnecessary and I was a’okay. Add to that the fact that I didn’t hear back from my doctor for over two weeks and I was sure I was fine. I did, however, decide to call and check in with them after a few weeks because my coworkers told me I should. The receptionist (not the doctor that tried to kill me, mind you), told me, “Oh, sorry Mrs. geekbetty, did we forget to call you and tell you that you have cancer? Our bad…” or something along those lines. Whhhhatttttt??? <—that was exactly my response. I'm mature like that. Fo' sho'.
It was obviously time for me to get a second opinion. New doctor sought, second (less horrific) biopsy given – even worse news: not only do I have cervical cancer but it's spread to my ovaries as well.
I repeat: WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?!
I tell you all of the preceding bad luck only to put it all in perspective. Yes, I'm still in the middle of finals. Yup, in the middle of final exams right now, trying to pack my overwhelming amount of possessions to move back to a tiny, tiny apartment in my hometown yet planning on driving the hour and a half drive every day to retain this job and keep going to school until at least December (three mo' fo'ing hours a day?!), splitting up the amazing pack of dogs as billiam has declared Truebadour and Four Dog "his" and Dingo "mine", going to court for freakin' tickets, trying to scrap up money to pay my $5,000 deductible for medical treatment (worst insurance ever!), paying off my SISTER'S tickets, paying off MY accident (oy vay), in the middle of yet another heartbreaking relationship ender after five years of trying to make it work – AND BOOM! life reminds you how unimportant all of that is!
I'm feeling optimistic about the C* (<–the disease that shall not be named), I really am. My doctor says the prognosis is excellent and she doesn't even think chemo will be necessary. I have the first of many procedures scheduled for the 18th of this month (Ani's last day of school and the weekend we are slated to move to the new apt), and another for June 8th and then, well, we're going to "see" where we are and what needs to be done. I love how my doctor always says "we" as if she's the one with ovarian cancer. And by love, I mean hate.
I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I am scared. But I'm going to kick some C* ass, for sure.
and I'm going to do the tackiest thing ever, but at this stage, I could use all of the help I can get. If you want to pray for me, please do. Good thoughts, vibes, and karma are also welcome. Also, at this stage, anything else anyone can offer. Advice, books, tips, tricks, anecdotal accounts of survivors you know. If you are interested in keeping up with my medical updates, you can go to my community at many strong. If you would like my address to send cards, letters, or anything else that might cheer and support me, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And (here is the tacky part), if anyone would like to help out with a monetary donation, you can go DONATE HERE. Seriously, anything helps.
More than anything, keep me in mind. I’ll try to update more, but as I’ve said…I gotta lot on my plate right now and sometimes my poor neglected blog doesn’t get the love and attention it needs!!