I wear my heart on my sleeve at all times

Self-Portrait Tuesday’s November theme, “what I wear”, and Photo Friday “strength”:

I can never hide what I am feeling.

I am always quick to fall in love and extremely passionate about those I do love.

I should hide myself more, I think.

 Since I was very young I have been very introverted, a silent observer on the sidelines.  In my family it was the only way I could survive.  My mother was extremely abusive to us for years, a drug addict and an alcoholic.  We grew up in extreme poverty.  My mantra during childhood was stolen straight from my favorite movie from the age of 5-up:  “The sun will come out tomorrow”.  I just knew that there was more to life than barely scraping by, constant anguish, pain, unhappiness.  

As a result of my role as the peacemaker and scapegoat in my family I have always been extremely sensitive to other people’s moods, the nuances of their voices, shifting expressions.  I am easily hurt by a phrase not carefully worded.  I am also too needy for love.  I want what I never had as a child; stability, security, compassion, love, sharing, empathy.  I get hurt again and again because I put myself out there continually in the hopes of finding just that.

As I move into adulthood on unsteady morals, hodge podge ideals, completely on my own – I know that wanting to be different is the most important step toward change, but that it isn’t the only step.  I have struggled with depression for years and now, getting back on my feet again after a long and debilitating bout with it this year, I’m only grateful that I want enough out of life to try and try again. 


Filed under pictoblog, self-portraits

11 responses to “I wear my heart on my sleeve at all times

  1. this is really moving. i wish you the best.

  2. But sometimes I think people who wear their hearts on their sleeves are the bravest, most wonderful people. You are the ones that are not afraid to love, the ones who don’t remember being hurt, the ones who make it possible for me to dream about wearing my heart on my sleeve. Keep wearing it. It’s a good thing.

  3. I agree with Rebecca. You are brave and you are daring. That is the only way you can be. You’re a survivor and a sweetie and I think you’re making all the right decisions.
    These photos are wonderful. I love the progression… fuzzy heart, broken heart, full heart on sleeve :)

  4. pantrypuff

    You’ll get there, I have no doubt.

  5. hi betty. i am one of your i promise blog poet friends. i love the photos. heart on a sleeve. brilliant. i will be back to read more on thursday. peace and poetry, ananda

  6. nicole

    betty, you are strong and brave and the heart on your sleeve is beautiful. keep on keepin’ on.

    i’ve been visiting your blog quite a bit lately and your wit, sarcasm, and passion coupled with your divine writing style make me keep coming back for more.


  7. Woe

    Thanks for cheering me on in my fight.

  8. JC

    I can relate to this, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve too. Nice photos!

  9. Kim

    that is beautiful and from one “peacemaker” to another, so true.

  10. beautiful photos, your heart is wonderful :)

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