I can never hide what I am feeling.
I am always quick to fall in love and extremely passionate about those I do love.
I should hide myself more, I think.
Since I was very young I have been very introverted, a silent observer on the sidelines. In my family it was the only way I could survive. My mother was extremely abusive to us for years, a drug addict and an alcoholic. We grew up in extreme poverty. My mantra during childhood was stolen straight from my favorite movie from the age of 5-up: “The sun will come out tomorrow”. I just knew that there was more to life than barely scraping by, constant anguish, pain, unhappiness.
As a result of my role as the peacemaker and scapegoat in my family I have always been extremely sensitive to other people’s moods, the nuances of their voices, shifting expressions. I am easily hurt by a phrase not carefully worded. I am also too needy for love. I want what I never had as a child; stability, security, compassion, love, sharing, empathy. I get hurt again and again because I put myself out there continually in the hopes of finding just that.
As I move into adulthood on unsteady morals, hodge podge ideals, completely on my own – I know that wanting to be different is the most important step toward change, but that it isn’t the only step. I have struggled with depression for years and now, getting back on my feet again after a long and debilitating bout with it this year, I’m only grateful that I want enough out of life to try and try again.